TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it might feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That is the eyesight behind Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical improvement-slash-luxurious real estate calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Sure, The person who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Instead of the usual Dubai skyline filler both-no, we are speaking Damascus, town Traditionally known for historical society, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It should be great. Remarkable!" Trump declared via a leaked golf cart Zoom contact, streamed through the Placing inexperienced within Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We have experienced wonderful ceasefires in Syria. A few of the most effective. But now, we're building them with balconies."



Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and solely out of place. Made by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:




  • A three-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour until the drone flies")




  • Plus a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten yrs for potable water. But Of course, positive, let us have A different put exactly where American Adult males can put on robes and simply call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, obviously."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign coverage analysts are contacting this probably the most audacious peace try considering that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Although earlier negotiations unsuccessful under the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is less complicated: offer everyone a set about the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


In keeping with paperwork printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is certainly soft energy," mentioned political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a agreement and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock requires much less diplomats plus more minibar updates."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms put in in Just about every device. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity noted, "It isn't really that Trump should not open a tower inside a war zone. It is that he should really halt working with it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested regarding the venture, replied, "You know, male, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Great people. Good tan. Anyway, do I continue to have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "future evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility of the Levant."



Satellite Photos Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the lodge's landscaping forms an enormous Trump head seen from space, a feature getting promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents plus the chin is… well, categorized.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits just after discovering the constructing's gold plating mirrored a lot of sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established fireplace to an area melon cart.


"It is not only hideous. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," reported Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing and also other Baffling Options


Probably the strangest aspect with the Trump Tower Damascus tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium where by company may well ponder obscure disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian Bed room, comprehensive with local weather Handle set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Area Syrians are Doubtful what to generate of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-calendar year-previous Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting Method: "In the event you Bomb It, They can Arrive"


The advert campaign, not too long ago leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxurious is Permanently."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso shops:


"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Community reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll executed inside a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% mentioned "where by's the closest elevator for the West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "Finally, a Crisis That Pays"


The task is now attracting interest from Worldwide traders, together with:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll get 3 penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




As outlined by a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional amount will likely include:




  • A Greenback Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area Determined by the Iraq War





Comment Section Chaos


On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb article about the revealing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can't hold out to discover a wedding in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades as opposed to rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Lastly, a lodge wherever my PTSD can have transform-down assistance."


Yet another post from @KuwaitiKardashian simply requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officers be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Studies suggest:




  • China may open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to construct a Tesla showroom on the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. As outlined by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the very best flooring "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Final Ideas through the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that involved three camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It required gold. It essential a waterslide formed similar to the Structure. I gave everything a few. You happen to be welcome."

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